Dissected Anomoly

I think I already made a post like this somewhere,
but I just re-read most of this stuff.

I'm fucking nuts, I love it.

I'm bored. I don't see anybody anymore. It sucksssssssss.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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A pawn is moved.

Photo Thing!!!

What is your name?





What do you look like?


Well, That's old, but I don't have any current pics.

Where do you live?



Significant Other?


My Mind.

(Current) Favorite Band?


Nobuo Uematsu (Composer)

Favorite (Recent) Movie?





Favorite Cartoon Character?



Favorite Foods?



Favorite Hobby?



Current Clothes:


:)

Current Mood:


That's Dumbledore and Mrs. Norris!

Current Music:



Current Hair:



Current Annoyance:



Current thing you ought to be doing:



Current Book:



Current video in DVD:



Current Crush:



















I luff too many people.

Current Favorite Celebrity:

I'm not sure, or very aware, if anyone uses this thing anymore. It just randomly popped into my head and came here and read back through all of my stuff. After doing this, I must say, even just to myself, that I am fucking hilarious. Seriously. I am very, very witty, clever, and quite creative.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way...I must also say that I'm not sure if I'm any of those things anymore. I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm, or have been, going insane. I know most that know me, or even been around me for a while would think that I am just over-exaggerating how I feel. However, this is not the case. I've run this back and forth through my head for the past few months while my life slowly crumbled around me. At this point though, I'm not sure if running stuff through my head is enough to rationalize anything. I can't trust my rational thoughts anymore.
Regardless of this fact, any way I look at it, even after examining every angle of my conscious mind, I know, for a fact, that I truly am slipping into insanity. I wouldn't say that I am truly crazy yet though. I can still function on a very basic level, but my mind cannot react to new things very well.
For quite some time I've known that I am a bit quirky. But I always looked at this from an optimistic perspective. I never considered that it could indeed be a problem. I figured it was natural for everyone to think and act differently. Even if it did lead to my seclusion from the real world and never allowed me to relate to other people. I've been stuck in my own head. I look at others in complete, baffled confusion. I don't understand people. This has been a problem, but I've always, to some degree, been able to manage it. I've always had friends. As a child I would be so very eager to play and hang out with the friends I had made. They had such an amazingly different world than I was used to. I was an observer, keen to watch and listen and emulate everything that I took to. Now, I've been trying really hard to be honest with myself lately, and honestly, I've only ever used my friends as an escape. They were my way out of my own head. I related to them only because I wanted to. I'm not saying this to take away the meaning that those friendships have, I am merely trying to create perspective. I never formed a human relationship with these people. They were and are part of what I can only describe as a living dream. This even applies to my parents, and the rest of my family.
As I have previously stated, I was able to manage all of this. It progressed equally with the growing of my mind. As a child I blindly related to people in this way, weaving and molding my own personality to fit with those that I came to admire. When I began to grow older my reactions started to change. I was still utterly blind to the reality of common social behavior, but I began to realize that I was molding myself to my friends and others around me. It started to subconsciously freak me out, and I began to become much more reclusive and I opted out of "normal" human activities. I lacked understanding. I could not comprehend anything that was going on around me. Nothing made sense, and I couldn't figure out why that was. I then grew older. Due to utter frustration and a growing fear of what was to become of me, I had to start ignoring myself and forcing my way back into society. This was around the late years of high school. I by no means thrust myself back into the world, but I became able to talk to people more, and develop friendships easier. This is the time in my life that I remember being the happiest. I had built myself perfect walls of what I now know to be sanity. They became structured perfectly, but unfortunately relied on the stagnancy of the outside world, thus, leading to my demise. After high school my world dispersed. It is at this point in time I believe, that my mind started to deteriorate. Given my keen ability to convince myself that I was healthy; that I was just like these other people, my mental stability has gone unchecked to this very day. It is only recently that I have discovered that something is truly wrong. Anyways, after high school I began to highly indulge in escapism, much more than any other time in my life. I no longer had all the friends to distract me. I had fallen into an unexpected amount of loneliness, and had the weight of the world digging into my back. I still hadn't realized any problem because I was still running away from it. Amazingly enough, I was able to escape into my own solitude. I enjoyed it, immensely. From that point in time, up until now, I had my ups and downs. I would fight my way out of the prison that is my mind, and then sink back down into it. I never really faced it. I didn't want there to be something wrong with me I suppose. I wanted to blame everything else. But now I find myself trapped. I can't do this alone anymore. I truly can't.
I have been examining my own mental stability, while immersed in my own delusions, for the past two to three months. I had still had myself convinced that there was nothing seriously wrong with me until two days ago. That is when I was finally able to see how sick I had become. I have always been able to overcome my mental barriers when it comes to my friends. I would like to delve a little bit further into my relations with the people that I have considered friends over the years. There is one person who I think I have truly developed a real bond with. I would consider him to be my very best friend and is someone that I think, on some level, I do relate to. It was two days ago when, after hanging out with him all day, and remaining completely destitute of emotion, that I knew I was gone. I knew that this has become out of my reach. I can't fight it alone anymore. I'm scared. I don't know if I've ever been truly scared of anything in my whole life. I am terrified. This is the first time in my life that I can't see beyond an hour from now. What does that mean? What does that say about my mental future? I've gotten to the point to where I don't expect to live much longer. I'm not sure if this is mentally of physically, but I think that my time is almost up. What sucks is that I'm not sure if my thoughts on existence are legitimate. I know for sure that I am highly highly depressed, which, I assure you, does not mix well with insanity. I know it is a result of my constant confusion and reclaimed loneliness. What I don't know is how it is affecting my ability to perceive.
It's just getting so much worse than it ever has been. I cannot react normally to "normal" things anymore. I have completely lost the ability to think the way that others do, and because of this I can't make sense of anything anymore. All I'm doing now is running away....it's all I have left.

Go, now, to blockbuster or where ever, and pick up A Very Long Engagement. Because it's better than you. And while you're at it, pick up Leon, and if God has personally blessed this place that you have gone to aquire your movies, then pick up Heavenly Creatures. All three are in the same catagory, and there are others that I would group them with, but these seem to be less known. If nothing else, get A Very Long Engagement.

<---Click

Well...fuck man, I dunno............(random thoughts)~I don't tend to label myself, but I've been recently wondering if I am an opitmist or pessimist. Assuredly there's an inbetween, but I'm ignoring that for now. Of the wonderful ups and downs of life, I'd have to say I'm pretty close to, if not directly sitting in, a down. Annnd....what do I think of it? Well, I'm positive my life will go upward at one point or another. Soon I'm assuming. But then again, who knows? Change doesn't always make things better, as I am a current example of. Optimism/Pessimism. I suppose I feed from both.

Jarhead - Good movie about the meaninglessness of the modern soldier. BEAUTIFUL cinematography.
Saw II - It was a good halloween movie. Standalone however, it wasn't anything amazing. A good gore flick, not much else.

Those are the recents, still need to see: The Weather Man, Wallace and Gromit, and A History Of Violence. New Harry Potter Soon! & Narnia!

Hahahah I'm soo tired....oh God it's 3. That's why I'm rambling.

Fucking Hellsongs and Wolf Parade...check em out. New Fiona Apple cd is good.

I randomly downloaded the Fall Out Boy cd...i don't know why. I haven't even listened to it.

Oh man, I found the Space Ghost episode with Björk and Thom Yorke from Radiohead. It's so damn funny.

I watched the Last Samurai again, for like the third(?) time. I cried a bit. I swear it's the only movie that does it to me. Not even the Notebook did, god damn close though.

OMG fucking Hellsongs, Seriously.

Lost needs to hurry up with it's 2 week break.

I've been listening to Loveline again, thank you podcasts, I love Loveline. But Adam Carolla is leaving :(

Damn you fancy Apple company! I want an ipod now. But I also want a camera. Difficult christmas dilemma I say.

Elizabeth, my lovliest friend, your robots will come soon. Man, I suck.

Otis Redding - Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay ~ hArDcORe

There was a fancy deal of canned beverages at my local HEB. They were charging $10 american dollars for three, yes 3, boxes of 12, yes twelve, beverages. So, I now own a total of 36-3 beverages. Which would be 33. I also purchased some milk. A gallon to be precise. I have two box thingys of strawberry breeze~teh ♥, and I still have half of a 3 liter bottle of Sunkist. I can quench the thirst of a whole African nation!

I want to live in a world that would use Sìgur Ròs as its theme music.

If you've never seen Lèon, I suggest you do. It's Natalie Portman's 2nd best performance. Garden State being her first. And it has Jean Reno in it.

Dane Cook is a silly bitch.

Ya know what I don't get? Tattoo trends. Stars and Swallows, albeit the swallows look cool as hell. I mean wtf? Be original people. This isn't including tribal stuff, which is just ludicrously popular.

I ate a whole DiGorno's Pizza today. It was stuffed crust. It was really really good. I didn't really want to eat the whole thing though. But living alone, when you make stuff like that, you'd just be wasting if you threw half of it away.

I coexist with insects, and it's literally driving me mad.

I did laundry today. I never do laundry.

Why isn't it cold? I was sweating today. Its fucking November. If everyone I love wasn't in Texas, I'd leave.

My brothers are gonna be weird when they're all grown up.

I should become anorexic like her --->

(http://homepage.ntlworld.com/sean_casey/Gun%20fight.wmv) <---download.watch.laugh.



It's well past 4 now.

I lose...must sleep.

Every time I watch Amélie I feel like I am wasting my life.

<---click!

New York kicks more ass than your face. It was a fun fun trip. Me and the Mike are lazy bastards though. It took us 4 hours for us to get from the airport to the hotel on friday night. Saturday was smooth. Checked out the art school I wanted to go see. It's an awesome place, but I don't know if I can get enough money to go there :(. After that we walked around Manhattan. We stopped into an oriental rug shop. The guy that owned it was a fucking amazing guy. He spent like 30 minutes talking to us about rugs. Collecters are awesome. We went to the top of the Empire State Building, and we found it to be tall. The view was breathtaking, and the winds were fun. We didn't do much else worth mentioning, just exploring. The trip was great. Haha I'm not in an elaboration mood; so many short sentences.

Umm Halloween is coming up. I don't think I'm doing a damn thing, unless someone has something going on that they would like to invite me to.
I may be going home this weekend, but I'm not sure. I hear of renfest plans, that's incentive enough to drive down. Oh Matt got a penguin wearing a crown tattooed on his wrist. It's awesome.

Bleh, I don't have access to a digital cam, so I have to use my camera phone.




Shree, that's the best ye gets until i magically aqure a camera.

In other news, I'm lazy. I need to do lots of school work, but for some reason, I am indeed not doing it. So, to all my fellow sloths out there, keep up the good work, or lack thereof.

I've been watching Firefly. I like Firefly. It makes Brian happy. He smiles.

I may be going to New York in a few weeks. That's gonna be fun.

I don't eat very much. It's weird. I don't have much desire to eat food. I forced myself to eat an actual meal today. I didn't enjoy it that much. I'm really thirsty though.

Ummm, I haven't drawn anything in a while. When I do you will see it.

I left my apartment to go get some specific things. I came back empty handed, but every place I went to was hiring. Is it a sign? I believe so.

My Playstation started working again. I rejoiced!

Ugh. Over the weekend I remembered why I wanted to move out so bad. My parents depress the hell out of me. I love em to death, but jesus. They don't believe in me. This infuriates me to no end. I went home this weekend and just mentioned to my mom my recently revised plans for the future. I told her that I realized that I was utterly wasting my time at the school that I'm at right now, and that I pretty much hated going there. So, my plan is to do what I wanted to do in the first place; go to art school. I want to finish out this semester, and then start working toward getting into an art school next fall. Well of course, my flights of fancy just aren't logical. She just had nothing to say that was encouraging at all. Not one thing. She basically told me that it was a rediculous idea, and later, or the next day-i dont remember, she blatantly told me that I couldnt go to art school. She wasn't saying "no you can't go," she was saying that I can't do it. Like it was an impossibility. Nothing I've really wanted to do was ever really supported by them, and I honestly belive they expect me to fail. It's infuriating. I know that she's terrified that I'm going to be wasting my time/money. But that's only a small part of her pseudo-dissaproval. She's never told me that I can't do anything, or that something was impossible, she just doesn't believe in me. I've never felt like anything I've tried to do was worth doing because I've just never had any recognition for it. This goes way back, but more recently, any art venture I've gone off on. She always tells me that I just don't get it, that I don't understand. She's usually refering to money when she says this. Her main problem is that it would cost so much money. But honestly the money doesn't matter if it's going to get me where I want to be. God Damnit. Fuck them, I'll prove them wrong. It would just be so much easier if I wanted to do something practical, that way they could say, Oh yeah that's a job, go for it son! Well I'm just going to try and include them as little as possible along the way. Maybe I'll tell them that I want to be a doctor or lawyer or something, make them dance about with glee. Oh well, off I go, all alone. </emo-rant>

And now for something completely different.



*Hole in face, maybe I'll find a camera soon.

I need to finish making this all fancified. Hehe this was an oddly elizabethian oriented quiz.


1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
( my answers )

Well sirs and misses, you are to be blessed with my long awaited presence at this here....thing. Enjoy. If you don't I'll kill you. Seriously.

when did life get so damn complicicated? its so annoying, having to care and think and whatnot. damnit all.

yay!

HAHAHHAHAHH, for those who haven't seen all the random poems i wrote while talking to Mike, then here's one that i recently re-read and found to be beautifully great.


the courier didnt bring my socks this morning...
my toes itch with desperation,
the pencil lead is now gone...
"Don't stab it! Just leave it alone!"
(a bucket falls in the vast wilderness)
"Oh no! Don't talk to me you malliable deer-face!"
It still itches to this day.
My toe is blue from the cold.
The icepick is missing...
I tore it off with my teeth.
the courier didnt bring my socks this morning...
{12/03/2012}
i mailed him with the inform that i needed 9-toe socks,
he must've gotten my message, for i used the red ink.
"Understanding is the essence of the twelve."
(Don't talk to the introverted.)
He said he wanted to eat itself.
Don't believe it.
The courier didn't bring me my socks this morning...
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?
Who's to say I need them anymore?

LooOOOKkOdkoeoe its a fish!!hHAHAHAHHEHAHAHhhahaha, fishes dont have secretaries!!!!!!!!!!!!aahahahahahahaa

but alas, art!




hopefully this week will be better...